sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
