I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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