It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I love you. Go after that dick
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
