but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
