I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
