Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
