my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
