Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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