you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
