oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
kristin has been a bad kristin
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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