Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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