What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize