twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize