Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Randomize
