So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
