if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
