I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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