you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
