Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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