He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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