You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
