I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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