You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
