My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Life is so much better after having sex.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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