I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
