Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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