You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
