I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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