2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
