My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
No subtext here. People are naked.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
