I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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