It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
