One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
