He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
