I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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