Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize