That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
