It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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