so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
This baby is an asshole
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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