yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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