awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
