were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
