I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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