I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I haven't been this sober since birth.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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