just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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