How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
