Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
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