Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
