i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
