so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
