My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
