dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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