I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
