Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
