Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize