the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
