This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
my nose is crying tears of wow.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
