ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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