Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
