Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
