This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize