This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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