I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
